Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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