dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
