I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
