he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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