hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
