in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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