Swine flu. Run for my life!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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