dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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