I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
