Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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