The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Randomize
