I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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