I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
