we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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