oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
