You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
