some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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