True but thats because hes a fetus.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
