I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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