elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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