I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
