If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
