you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
