i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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