My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
