After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
