i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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