I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
