Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
