I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
