Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
