You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
