I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
