I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
