New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
