So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
