i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
