it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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