He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
