What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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