if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
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