wanna go halves on a baby?
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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