please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
