She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Randomize
