So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
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