I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
