sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
