I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
