If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
