Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
