I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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