I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
